Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.